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| Le Silencieux |
"I recently turned 30 years old. A birthday is not typically very significant for me. Honestly 30 doesn’t feel different from 29, no more than 29 differed from 28. Nothing changes because I’m 30. I’ve been a wife for several years and a mother for longer.
More than this.
My time on this earth doesn’t seem to appropriately reflect my days in this world.
I’m not sure I understand why people treat 30 like a huge milestone. At 30 I have not suddenly grasped the importance of, well, anything! Life will for the most part remain the same and I am NOT complaining! Although if the amount of dishes I wash or dirty clothes I turn inside out begins to diminish I shall not complain about that either! Maybe at 45 I will understand the significance.
Much like the years before, as my birthday approaches I am forced to look at my self, my life, my accomplishments and hopes and suddenly I am measuring the fullness of the last 29 years.
Some things I can recall, leave me in a heap of aching tears. I confess, I’ve cried so much this last month that I forgot my how-to-hold-back-the-tears techniques. And other memories bring a refreshing satisfaction over triumphs and losses, and often times knee slapping laughter considering the stubbornness of me. I’ll borrow from the saying and agree, every year I realize how stupid I was the year before.
All this recent reflecting has exposed a deeply terrifying, God given NEED in me. Friendship. Sharing and giving and knowing myself within the realms of community.
I didn’t realize how much it hurts to be void of friendship, until recently.
What is it like to really know someone. To let down the walls and embrace another kind. I desire to know her, this woman called friendship. I long to be a part of this idea of community. God created me with a need for fellowship and my life is lacking… dry… thirsty…
I am community starved.
This is one of the thoughts that leaves my heart aching. It draws my hands to my face. And before I realize it I’m silently, violently crying out, pondering thoughts of rejection and feelings of inadequacies. Am I loveable. Am I desirable. Where can I be wanted. I have so much love to share. Who will have me.
I don’t want to be judged for the education that I lack or resented because of my small frame. I won’t be jealous of your financial stability or covet your talents.
Is there one woman, some women willing to break down the walls of fear and comparison, reach beyond the barriers of assumption and false self sufficiency. Brave enough to embrace and be embraced in real. live. fellowship.
Talking out our ideas. Laughing through our pain. Sharing war stories and recipes and secrets and revelations. Crying when it hurts. Openly stumbling, standing, crawling and running in this journey of womanhood. Genuinely living out the stories of our lives together.
Not just church cliques. Green girl clubs. Home school moms. PTA groupies. Neighborhood wives clubs. Hard working mamas or SAHMs. I’m not looking to get in where I “fit in“. Truly I don’t want to try to “fit in” anywhere.
Just me, as I am. You, as you are. Sharing our lives together in true fellowship, sincere friendship,genuine community…
So this day, I choose to embrace my need for friendship. I trust that God will bless my willing heart as I step out into the personally uncharted territory of searching for community."
By RLynne, http://pursuedwithgladness.blogspot.com/
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